Did you miss me?! Please say yes, I really missed all of you and I know I have A LOT of catching up to do, taking almost a month off of blogging means I need to scroll through hundreds of posts to see what you've been doing. What awesome food you consumed during the Turkey Break, how many scores you got during Black Friday Shopping and what sweet gadgets and gifts you got during the Christmas break! But, give me time ladies, I'll read up and probably try to comment on most of it but it'll take awhile. Chels & Rach you two are going to be creeped on last, don't hate, just know I've been blessed to have such awesome BBFF's who don't walk away no matter how dumb I act. LOVE YA!
Now, I know I've got some explaining to do so I guess I'll just jump in and start spilling what I've been up to. The most important thing I want you, my readers, to know is that I suffered from what I'm going to call my mid-twenty-something-life-crisis and I truly threw my hands up in the air and yelled "What do you want from me God" on multiple occasions over the past month.
It wasn't one thing that clicked and made me freak out, it was several things all piled on top of each other and then one day, my world came crumbling down and I felt as if everything I've worked myself up to become, was falling apart and the only thing I could do was jump out of the way and watch it fall, hard and cry. I watched as all of my dreams I'd been building for years was falling apart in front of me and just continuously asked why, I couldn't muster up anything more than the word "why" for a long time.
I hid behind closed doors for awhile hoping that it'd allow me to whine for awhile than gather myself up and face the world. It didn't work. So instead, I pushed each and every single person that was worried about me away, I changed directions in life and decided to go on a month long "hiatus" and do nothing but just soul searching. I cried. A lot. I cried often, I cried until I couldn't cry any more, I even cried until the bags under my eyes needed a second coat of primer before I could paint on a happy face for events that I was required to attend. Nothing worked.
Now, if you know me you'll know I'm "that girl." The one who refuses to have my negative attitude rub off on others. I quite often hurt so deeply, but not very many people know of the true hurt happening because I don't want others to worry about me. I hate feeling like I'm burdening others with my emotions and often find myself driving to or from something and feel tears falling without even realizing why. It's because I don't open up and talk about what all bothers me. It can be as simple as a song playing or getting a text or as complicated as thinking about my future and why things didn't go as I planned.
You see, I create most of the problems that make my head spin because I'm constantly asking "what if" and trying to come up with the worst possible scenero that way if/when the situation plays out it'll end better than I expected because nothing can be worse than me losing a limb due to infection of falling and cutting my knee while running. But the problem with me creating these problems is that it puts me an a mood of feeling depressed, sad and lonely. I've avoided telling people about these feelings because even I don't like accepting that it happens but I've decided to own up to it all. To confess it to you in hopes of you guys understanding where I'm coming from.
I choose to stay strong, I could easily whine, but that gets me no where. I don't like to listen to others complain therefore I know they don't want to listen to me. The Lord has blessed me, I may not see it in the moment, but at the end of the day, I'm still alive, my heath is in good condition and I'm resting my head upon a pillow under a warm roof. There are a lot of people who cannot say the same.
Basic run-down of some of the things that have caused me to go haywire over the past couple of months include quitting my job that I loved, pursuing a photography career, pursuing a stay at home type of job opportunity, losing ten pounds (I'm down to around 96ish), the hardship of Christmas and the stress of wondering how I'll pay for all of it after quitting my job at the beginning of that month (bad timing right?!), taking a loved one off of life support, losing several friends due to my selfish self pushing them away and them actually walking away and there are several other tiny things that lead to me feeling lonely and deserted. I blame most of it on myself but some of the events I know are not in my control.
Life's been insane, I've pushed away a lot of people who have been there for me and right now I'm starting to realize that some of them I pushed away were never "real" friends. In fact, when I push it's good to give space but you should never give up on someone. They did. I'm ok with it. I look at this experience as a "purging" or people who would have walked away in the future when things may have gotten tougher. All I can do is smile and remind myself that God only blesses me with those he believes are worthy of my crazy friendship.
I cannot promise I still won't have "episodes" of me going back into hiding mode but I'm hoping to jump back into my normal routine and try to push through life. Don't hold it against me if I fall off the bandwagon and occasionally disappear for spurts, I'm trying to get back to normal, it's just extremely tough this time around for me.
Thank you to those followers who have checked in on me over the past two months. Nothing makes me feel more special than checking in to see that I've had missed calls, texts and messages from you guys. Without my bloggy buddies my world would be even more upside down. Now, be patient and I promise to start posting regularly again! I've actually got several posts in the drafts section being finalized. I cannot wait to show you what I've been doing. Most will make you laugh because I'll admit I've been on party overload here lately.